Vulnerabilty Relapse

For my One Word 2011 challenge, I chose to focus on the word vulnerability. As to be expected with New Year’s “resolutions” or life changes, relapses occur. I think I just didn’t know how bad of a relapse was to occur! Starting this new job in March has been one of the hardest things of my life I think I have ever done. It has been a roller coaster that I have been riding merely hanging on tight trying not to fall off. I’ve shoved feelings deep down inside that I didn’t want to surface because they were painful and it would be admitting failure. I’ve tried to say that I’m ok, and not wanted to admit to others that I’m not ok, but the truth is I am not. There have been days that people have asked me how the job is going and I’ve held back tears, saying it’s alright because I didn’t want them to know how I really feel. I wanted to be strong, when the truth is, I am really weak right now.

This verse in Tenth Avenue North’s song “Strong Enough to Save” depicts these feelings beautifully.

“I know the weight of this world can take you down like gravity. I know the current of yourself can take you out, out to sea. But hold on, hold on.”

Last Sunday, Hope’s pastor talked about stories and that we like to live in the good times. I have to say life was the “good time” for me between graduation and this job. I had a great Christian community and I was deeply involved in doing ministry that I loved. But David also said that we can’t just stay in those good times. We have to continue to live life no matter how painful the story of life becomes. The Lord teaches us some of the best lessons out of the painful times of life. Noah waited 5 months for the rain to stop. 5 months! It has only been under 3 months for me and there are days that I wonder if it will ever get better. I don’t know if I can hang on for 5 months or even longer if that is what the Lord has for me, and I still have absolutely no idea what the Lord is trying to teach me. I have even questioned if this job is the right one. Is it just a means to an end or is this really what the Lord wants for me?

These past few months have been tiring. I have had to work long hours. I have been taken away from being able to do some of the ministry things that I love. I have experienced great social isolation because I work with people who mostly all could be my parents. I feel on the outside of so many circles of friends because my life has stopped because of this job and I feel like everyone else has moved on without me. I don’t feel the like I have a rich relationship with the Lord right now because of the way life has been. I feel like a failure as a daughter of Christ because I have had such an Eeyore attitude at work due to the stress and current situation, when it could be a great ministry opportunity.

I don’t say all of this to be depressing. I say all of this to be real. It is what it is and this is life right now. I do hope you will pray for me and that the Lord will break me free of these chains like He has so many times in the past. Until then, I pray that He gives me enough strength to hold on because I know that I cannot do this alone.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you. My power works best in weakness.”