Heavy Heart

My heart has been heavy lately. I haven’t been able to put a word to until today...Cynicism. I’ve become a cynic about the world and how people treat each other. A cynic to the brokenness in others’ lives. I’ve had a lot of hard conversations with families of patients over the past few weeks. I’ve had to tell a young father his brain cancer is back…for a fourth time. I spent the better part of an hour last night trying to track down the family of an elderly man who was in the hospital who couldn’t speak for himself and had no family with him. When I finally found a son, he didn’t want to talk to me and barely gave me enough information to find another son out of state. I had to tell a husband that his wife has a poor prognosis with him begging me to know how much time he has with her. I told an elderly women who is now a quadriplegic that I don’t know if she will ever get the feeling in her arms and legs back after which, she followed with “please let me die.” I broke the news to a middle-aged woman that her cancer has spread to the extent that there is no further possible treatment and basically sent her home to die.  There is so much sadness, anger, confusion, fear present in these people.

I wanted to scream at the son, don’t you care that your father is in the hospital dying? I wanted to look into the eyes of this young father’s wife and tell her everything will be ok and not to worry. I wanted to tell the unrealistic husband that what he wanted to believe was true actually was the truth. But the truth is, I can’t. I can’t fix the pain in this world and make the road these families walk any less painful. I can’t understand what went on between a father and a son that caused the loss of concern for one another. I can’t promise to these families that the cancer won’t come back. I can’t promise that these people will be restored to the state of health they were in before these life changing events. It breaks my heart.

The only thing that I can do is rest in the fact that the Father works through all things for our good. That He loves us unconditionally and makes us stronger through each of these events. That only He knows the amount of time a family member has on this earth. That He has the power to heal and bring us miracles even in the most dire circumstances. I can only pray to the Father for the words of comfort and peace for these families. That He would use me to help these people see beyond the current situation and to see the greater plan the Father has for the world. Ultimately, to know that we can trust in Him no matter what happens, no matter how hard things get, and this brings my heart rest and allows me to be filled with strength to be taken beyond my ability each day to walk this road with these families.